How “Nice” Should You be at Work?
Introduction
A recent article in The Economist observed the increasing prevalence of the word “nice” in business and leadership spaces. “Kindness is in the air,” the article said. “Publishers produce business books with titles like ‘The Power of Nice’ or, simply, ‘Kind’…[while] firms publicly embrace the values of compassion.” [1]
As the author notes, there is nothing particularly revolutionary in the ideology itself –– “being nice is better than being mean” is hardly a novel concept. That said, in these particular worlds, there has, until very recently, been an emphasis on what could be thought of as the “nice guys finish last” mantra. The prototypical “effective leaders” of the epoch were not known for their kindness. Steve Jobs is hailed as revolutionary, meanwhile almost every employee who ever worked under him has gone on record to say he was an asshole. Recent on-screen representation of leadership has come in the form of Jordan Belfort’s debauched greed in The Wolf of Wall Street or the Roy clan’s myriad personality deficiencies in Succession. Meanwhile, Donald Trump, the original TV boss in The Apprentice, graduated to become western world boss in 2016. Even The Donald’s most loyal supporters would struggle to list kindness as one of his core strengths.
Essentially, then, the accepted leadership ideal of the era was that of a shouty, ego-driven, take-no-shit macho. “Nice” was not a factor.
Thankfully, that era is now over. But what does its ending mean for modern leadership? As
Pilita Clark writes in the Irish Times, “Kindness in business is oddly complicated. We delight in it on a personal level, yet we are unsure it is a good or even necessary quality in the workplace.” [2]
This article will attempt to get to the bottom of just how “nice” one should be in the office –– is it an obvious positive or can it go too far?
The nice guys
The Economist article cites a recent meta-analysis of research into niceness and effective leadership by Andrew Blake of Texas Tech University and his co-authors, which found that “the two do often go together.” A boss’s “agreeableness” was found to be tied to ethical behaviour, workplace trust and psychological safety, among other beneficial things. [3]
Meanwhile, a recent paper by Charles O’Reilly of Stanford University and his co-authors looked at the relationship between chief executives’ personalities and reviews of their organisations’ culture on the employee-ratings website Glassdoor. It found that “agreeable bosses were associated with cultures that were more collaborative and innovative.” [4]
Similarly, researchers Amy J.C.Cuddy, Peter Glick, and Anna Beningera determined that warmth breeds trust, and “trust increases information sharing, openness, fluidity, and cooperation.” [5]
Unsurprisingly, then, a level of compassion and empathetic leadership can be effective in the workplace –– not just for office dynamics and morale, but in inspiring innovation and teamwork too.
Even in areas of worklife where a certain level of harshness is to be expected, such as in sales or negotiations, some have argued that it is possible to be more effective if leading with kindness. “When I have taught negotiations skills to leaders, I have often referred to sources such as the Power of Nice by Ron Shapiro,” writes Joyce E. A. Russell, Ph.D., who was Dean Emeritus and Professor of Management at the Villanova School of Business from 2016 to 2023. Russell says she uses the expression “be soft on the person and hard on the problem” mentioned by Fisher, Ury and Patton in their Getting to Yes negotiations book in her coaching. “I firmly believe you don’t have to be aggressive or nasty to get what you want in a negotiation nor in business,” she says. [6]
Being too nice
There we have it then: Being nice is great and businesses can be soft and cuddly at no extra cost to their effectiveness. We can all go home, bake a cake, and count our fortunes.
Except we all know that’s not true.
The machismo ego-trip of the “nice guys finish last” approach is stupid. But it didn’t come from nowhere. There’s a reason a lot of the greatest business people of all time are not on everyone’s Christmas card list. It takes a level of ruthlessness to get to the top. That doesn’t mean we have to be cold, calculating monsters in order to survive. Rather, it means, as organisational psychologist Dr. Nicole Lipkin writes in Forbes, that “there are nuances to being “nice” that can make or break you.” [7]
“Being an empathetic, sensitive person who cares about their employees is one thing,” says Lipkin. But, “If you’re too nice you risk being a pushover; you might keep an employee beyond their expiration date; you might see deadlines come and go; you might become too close with your employees at the expense of being able to give them tough feedback.” [8]
Russell agrees. “It is problematic if the culture is so nice that no one speaks the truth or is afraid to upset anyone,” she says. “That will make it difficult to bring in new ideas and innovations. It may make it harder for the current employees to adapt to newcomers who bring in diverse perspectives.” [9]
Sometimes, then, “nice”, or at least “too nice”, isn’t the answer. Something different is required.
People who score less well on agreeableness are liable to be less trusting, more competitive and more confrontational, says The Economist [10]. In certain business contexts, those traits are exactly what is needed. Wharton professor, Adam Grant, stresses that for the “givers” in the world, empathy can be a leadership trap. “If empathy isn’t paired with 360-perspective-taking, defined as taking all viewpoints and needs into account including the needs of the company, then feelings may dominate over objectivity,” says Lipkin, giving the example of a salary negotiation in which the manager overly empathises with the employee and puts their needs over the company’s [11]. Indeed, a recent paper by Daniel Keum and Nandil Bhatia of Columbia Business School found that “during periods of intensifying competition [agreeable leaders] were more likely to be replaced by less caring types.” Because “when layoffs are necessary, boards don’t want Samaritans in charge.” [12]
The nuance
So far this analysis has been overly simplistic, focusing on roaring corporate sadists and bleeding-heart samaritans with no in between. But as Lipkin noted, it’s the nuances in being nice that make the real difference, and it’s perfectly possible to deal with confrontation, feedback and negotiations in rational, business-minded ways while still being kind. Indeed, it’s probably the best way to do so.
It takes a total misunderstanding of what it is to be “nice” to think that it means not stepping on any toes or ever going against the grain. Oftentimes, the kindest thing you can do for someone is tell them the truth, especially if you are giving feedback on a piece of work or a general in-office demeanour that isn’t up to scratch. Saying nothing and giving a smile in such circumstances isn’t kind, it’s cowardly and harmful. One can give criticism with compassion and one can have conflict with compassion –– it’s what adults do. To think it is a black and white case of either screaming bloody murder or giving concessions is reductionist and immature.
Russell gives an example of an executive she used to coach who “always gave honest constructive feedback no matter how hard it was to give or for the person to hear.” Rather than recipients of this feedback taking his honest, sometimes critical words to heart, the executive “mentioned how he often got really positive comments from people after receiving the feedback, noting they often commented that no one had ever given them “real feedback” before.” [13]
The executive is not being cuddly, that doesn’t mean he’s not being nice. Equally, on the other side of the coin, it is perfectly possible to be very kind and smiley to someone’s face while saying horrible things behind their back to their colleagues and higher-ups. “Nice” can be purely superficial. So, when we talk about being “nice” at work, it’s crucial to stop thinking about the purely cosmetic aspects of niceness and focus instead on the genuine approach.
As Lipkin says, “It’s important to redefine what “nice” means when it relates to leadership. “Nice” shouldn’t mean being a pushover, always saying yes, being incapable of giving constructive feedback, and/or not letting people go. That need will stifle creativity and objectivity and breed a lack of respect toward you by employees. [Instead] “Nice” needs to be defined as having a positive impact on your people and the organisation as a whole , i.e. positive leadership.” [14]
Positive leadership
So, what does that positive leadership look like in action?
Russell offers some practical advice. She advises leaders: “Look for the good things that people do and comment on those instead of their errors; encourage individuals and support their efforts; share positive news about individuals with others (instead of negative gossip); send thank you notes, and smile at people at work.” This may sound simplistic, but she contends that “just thanking people and celebrating their successes is huge. It is surprising to me how often coworkers are jealous of each other and don’t celebrate successes or take the time to thank each other for what they do.” [15]
Meanwhile, Lipkin points to research by Kim Cameron and colleagues at the University of Michigan, who claim there are four essential qualities for cultivating positive leadership and having a positive impact on your organisation. Those four essential qualities are: Fostering social connections, showing empathy, going out of your way to help others, and encouraging people to talk to you –– creating a relationship grounded in psychological safety where people can express themselves, even if it is difficult. [16]
In order to do these things without falling into the trap of being too nice, Lipkin recommends workers reshape their relationship with nice, look at their values as a leader and pinpoint the most important traits that they want to emulate. She also suggests they avoid taking a 180-degree behavioural shift so as to not unsettle any employees, and, if struggling, to hire a coach to help guide, mentor, help break the unhealthy patterns, and offer suggestions.
How “nice” should you be at work?
In conclusion, the concept of being “nice” at work is far more nuanced than a simple dichotomy between kindness and ruthlessness. While the era of aggressive, ego-driven leadership is fading, the pendulum should not swing too far toward a culture of superficial niceness that stifles innovation, honesty, and constructive feedback. True positive leadership lies in the ability to balance empathy with decisiveness and compassion with accountability. Leaders who foster trust, support, and open communication while remaining firm and focused on business goals can create a thriving workplace culture. Ultimately, redefining “nice” to include authenticity, respect, and clear expectations is key to effective leadership.
More on Empathetic Leadership
The Role of Empathy in the Workplace: Impact and Implications
Emotional Intelligence and Engaging Others
What is the State of Workplace Loyalty in 2024?
Sources
[1] https://www.economist.com/business/2024/09/19/should-you-be-nice-at-work
[3] https://www.economist.com/business/2024/09/19/should-you-be-nice-at-work
[4] https://www.economist.com/business/2024/09/19/should-you-be-nice-at-work
[5] https://hbr.org/2013/07/connect-then-lead
[6] https://www.forbes.com/sites/joyceearussell/2019/06/24/being-honest-and-nice-at-work-actually-works/
[7] https://www.forbes.com/sites/nicolelipkin/2018/11/15/the-downside-of-being-a-nice-leader/
[8] https://www.forbes.com/sites/nicolelipkin/2018/11/15/the-downside-of-being-a-nice-leader/
[9] https://www.forbes.com/sites/joyceearussell/2019/06/24/being-honest-and-nice-at-work-actually-works/
[10] https://www.economist.com/business/2024/09/19/should-you-be-nice-at-work
[11] https://www.forbes.com/sites/nicolelipkin/2018/11/15/the-downside-of-being-a-nice-leader/
[12] https://www.economist.com/business/2024/09/19/should-you-be-nice-at-work
[13] https://www.forbes.com/sites/joyceearussell/2019/06/24/being-honest-and-nice-at-work-actually-works/
[14] https://www.forbes.com/sites/nicolelipkin/2018/11/15/the-downside-of-being-a-nice-leader/
[15] https://www.forbes.com/sites/joyceearussell/2019/06/24/being-honest-and-nice-at-work-actually-works/
[16] https://www.forbes.com/sites/nicolelipkin/2018/11/15/the-downside-of-being-a-nice-leader/
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