How to get through the holiday season unscathed

The festive season arrives and we’re all smiles. Yet frequently, for all the external jubilation, we internally find ourselves drowning in stress, obligation, and exhaustion. The glossy imagery of perfect families in matching pyjamas bears little resemblance to the complex realities most of us navigate during December. According to the American Psychological Association, 44% of women and a third of men report increased stress around the holidays [1]. The National Alliance on Mental Illness found that 64% of individuals living with a mental illness felt that their condition worsened during this period [2].

“We have been socialised to expect good times and cheer from family and social gatherings,” explains Dr Lloyd Sederer, psychiatrist and former Chief Medical Officer of New York state’s Office of Mental Health. “Sadness and anxiety are frequent feelings during the holidays. Running from them will only worsen your distress” [3].

The sources of this seasonal distress are manifold. Financial pressures loom large, with parents worrying about affording gifts and meals. Family gatherings, whilst ostensibly celebratory, can resurrect old wounds and uncomfortable dynamics. The holidays amplify our awareness of loss, reminding us of who isn’t at the table this year. Meanwhile, world events continue to intrude, creating tension that follows us from the workplace water cooler to the family dining table [4].

Time Off

Ironically, even the respite that holidays promise can become a source of stress. Research examining workers in the US found that 40% of men and 46% of women cited the “mountain of work” they’d return to as a major reason for not using their holiday days [5]. This pre- and post-holiday anxiety creates a vicious cycle in which we’re simultaneously too stressed to take time off, yet desperately need the break.

The problem extends beyond anticipation. A study of Dutch holidaymakers revealed that vacationers are no happier than non-vacationers after a break, unless they had “very relaxed” trips [6]. The key barrier? Working during time meant for leisure. Data from the 2018 American Time Use survey indicates that 30% of full-time employees report working weekends and holidays [7].

Laura Giurge and Kaitlin Woolley’s research in Harvard Business Review finds that working during designated time off undermines intrinsic motivation, i.e. the sense that work is interesting, enjoyable, and meaningful. When people engage in work during time they categorise as leisure, they experience conflict between their expectations and reality, making their work feel less engaging [8]. “When you’ve made the decision to leave work fully behind,” they note, “your mind and body are much more likely to achieve the kind of relaxation you deserve” [9].

Planning for Peace

The groundwork for surviving the holidays begins well before any celebration. “Much of the discipline of leadership applies equally to holidays,” observes Richard Boston, psychologist and author of The Boss Factor. “Be clear on the purpose of your time off — for me it is time for family and distance from work for mental and physical recovery. Clarity of purpose helps set boundaries for yourself and others” [10].

Tristan Gribbin, a meditation coach, recommends building relaxation into your routine before the holiday rush intensifies. “You don’t have to put off letting go of stress until vacation,” she advises. Even a few minutes of daily meditation, visualising the positive feeling you want to gain during your break, can help you maintain calm as demands pile up [11].

Prioritisation becomes essential. Start at least two weeks before a week-long break (or a month before a fortnight away) by creating a list of tasks that absolutely must be completed. Show it to your manager for feedback, then use this mutually agreed-upon list to guide your daily work. Other tasks and opportunities will inevitably arise, but unless they’re essential, stick to your priorities [12].

Equally critical is communication. Make certain your boss, colleagues, and clients know your dates well in advance. “Tell them you plan to unplug during vacation,” Gribbin suggests. “This helps put the onus on them to bring you anything essential before you go” [13]. Far from damaging professional relationships, this clarity typically impresses people with your commitment.

For family gatherings, the same principle of advance communication applies. TJ Leonard, chief executive of Storyblocks, warns: “We get in trouble when we delude ourselves into thinking there is one ‘right’ way to take a vacation. Even the best laid vacation plans will go off the rails when expectations have not been communicated in advance” [14]. If you’re bringing a partner, don’t withhold information about potential family sensitivities or prejudices. Establish a code word or gesture to indicate when either of you becomes uncomfortable and needs to step away [15].

Going Away

Once the festivities begin, maintaining boundaries becomes paramount. For those who cannot completely disconnect, Sarah Jones Simmer, chief operating officer of Bumble, has refined a compromise: “I am much better if I can check in every morning for 30 minutes versus trying to totally shut down. I know I have a dedicated window coming and that makes it easier to unplug at other times” [16]. She also recommends staying active and blocking out half a day dedicated to catching up upon return.

Brooke Masters, the Financial Times’ comment and analysis editor, has discovered that, if going away for the holidays, immersion breaks the cycle of phone-checking. “I try to bring one addictive novel that I have been waiting to read. Then early in the holiday, I plunge right in and read hundreds of pages at a sitting until I am done. It makes me antisocial at the very beginning but helps break the cycle of checking my phone” [17].

Managing Family Dynamics

Perhaps no aspect of this particular holiday generates more anxiety than family gatherings. “Our families are the ones that install our ‘buttons,’ so therefore they know exactly how to push them,” observes Alana Kaufman, a New York psychotherapist. “One thing to keep in mind is that the buttons installed may be a product of a parent’s unresolved psychological issues. It is important to try to understand what feelings feel authentic to you and not take on others’ feelings” [18].

The key lies in preparation and self-awareness. Before any gathering, identify what behaviours or topics might trigger discomfort, then plan coping strategies. “When emotions arise among family members, triggering situations erupt, the goal is not to turn it off, the goal is to be able to ride it, to sit through it,” explains Holly Whitaker, chief executive of Tempest and author of “Quit Like a Woman.” “When we are able to do that, it allows us to evolve, to mature” [19].

Life coach Mark Fennell describes the phenomenon of “social expectation bias,” where we overestimate what others expect from us. “It leads to us massively overestimating what others expect from us. Add years of childhood conditioning, of keeping the peace and not rocking the boat; we live with this expectancy that we must love Christmas — otherwise, we are ‘failing'” [20].

Setting boundaries needn’t be confrontational. “You have a right to say ‘no’ if you want to,” Fennell advises. “Most people react better to clarity than to guessing what you really mean” [21]. He suggests practising simple but firm phrases: “I love that you thought of me, but I can’t commit to that this year,” or “I want this to be enjoyable, so I’m stepping away from this topic before it gets heated.”

When difficult moments do arise, body awareness becomes crucial. Neda Gould, clinical psychologist and director of the Johns Hopkins Mindfulness Program, recommends pausing to scan your body for tension. “Even in 10 seconds, we can pause, notice our senses and take a few deep breaths, and that signals to the brain and body that, ‘OK, there’s no danger right now'” [22].

Productivity

Tim Harford, writing in the Financial Times, identifies a pervasive trap: “The pressure to be productive is everywhere, even in time off. Once you’ve cleared your inbox, you can start ticking off the list of galleries in Paris, or Thai islands, or Great Novels To Read Before You Die” [23]. He warns against what writer Adam Gopnik called the “Causal Catastrophe”, which essentially means judging every action not in its own right, but by its long-term consequences.

“If everything is done as a means to something else, nothing is worthwhile in itself,” Harford observes. He recalls a conversation from Toni Morrison’s novel “Sula,” in which the protagonist declares, “I sure did live in this world.” When asked what she has to show for it, Sula simply responds: “Show? To who?” [24].

Harford’s insight extends to the post-holiday return. “There is a trap in waiting for the moment when all the decks are clear, everything is under control and the rest of life can begin. The trap is that such moments can only ever be fleeting. There is always more coming in” [25]. The goal isn’t to achieve perfect control, but to accept the messiness whilst maintaining perspective.

Survival Strategies

Beyond philosophical acceptance, specific tactics can ease holiday stress. Dr Marie Murray, consultant clinical psychologist, offers straightforward guidance: “Don’t overdo things. Keep expectations of yourself and others realistic. Don’t try to do everything perfectly. Cheerful chaos is better than angry perfection” [26].

She recommends practical measures: eat regularly, rest when tired, get fresh air daily, and avoid saying anything in anger. “Don’t catastrophise. Keep perspective, this is just a few days,” she reminds us. “Remind yourself how lonely life would be without your family no matter how different or odd, wonderful or embarrassing, fun or dull or annoying they may be” [27].

Karl Henry, fitness expert, emphasises the importance of vigorous exercise as a stress-reliever, alongside deep breathing techniques. “Take yourself into the bathroom and close the door. Now stand against the door with your shoulders pressed against it. Close your eyes. Focus on breathing from the pit of your stomach and inhaling for 10 seconds, now hold the breath for 10 seconds and then exhale for 10. Give five repeats” [28].

For those dreading social gatherings, Dr Sean Leonard, psychiatric nurse practitioner, suggests giving yourself a time limit. “If you’re not enjoying yourself after that time is up (around 30 to 45 minutes), give yourself permission to leave” [29]. The simple act of knowing you have an exit strategy can make attending less daunting.

Reframing

Perhaps the most powerful strategy involves cognitive reframing. When work intrudes during the holidays, Giurge and Woolley found that simply relabelling time as “work time” rather than “leisure time” helped people maintain their intrinsic motivation. Their research showed that telling people “People usually use weekends to catch up or get ahead with their work” helped them feel more interested and engaged in their work goals [30].

Upon returning from holiday, resist the urge to plunge immediately back into everything. “Take the first thirty minutes of your return to make a list of priorities,” Gribbin suggests. “You don’t have to arrive at work, plug back in, have tasks come cascading onto you and try to handle everything immediately” [31]. Search your inbox for key names and read those messages first, whilst marking mass mailings as read or deleting them.

The return journey matters as much as the holiday itself. Taylor Nicole Rogers, Financial Times labour and equality correspondent, has transformed her approach: “My paid-time-off experience was forever changed when I started adding an extra day off at home at the end of every trip. Weekend days do not count. Having that extra day to catch up on sleep after an overnight flight or complete household tasks takes the pressure off the transition back into work” [32].

Holiday Success

The most profound shift may be changing how we measure holiday success. “The best holiday I ever had was my honeymoon, in 2003,” Harford reflects. “It was that the holiday was enough, and we were enough for each other. There was no anxiety that we should be doing anything different” [33]. The wedding represented the completion of an enormous to-do list; the thank-you letters couldn’t be written until they returned. The decks really were clear, allowing them to simply enjoy the journey.

Dr Sederer’s advice captures this sentiment: “Follow your own compass, one whose true north is kindness, gratitude and caring for family, friends and others in need. We all have that ability in us — to be kind and just listen, and open up, so that someone else opens up. We can all do better at that” [34].

The holidays will never be perfect, and perhaps they shouldn’t be. The pressure to create flawless memories and demonstrate productivity even during downtime misses the point entirely. As Gerard Pearlberg, a UPS driver in the US who navigates peak December frenzy, puts it: “You’ve got to look at the bigger picture. You know, we made it one more year to see another Christmas, another holiday season, and you’ve got to feel good about it. We did it. We’re here” [35].